


Forgiveness

by salesman



Series: Overloaded: Solas POV & Other Stories [8]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Melodrama, POV Solas, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-21
Updated: 2015-06-21
Packaged: 2018-04-05 09:18:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4174428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/salesman/pseuds/salesman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Solas needs to make amends with his da'len.</p>
<p>
  <span class="small"><strong>AU oneshot</strong> in Overloaded around <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/3487133/chapters/8130963">Ch. 43: Through an Open Door</a>.</span>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forgiveness

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this some time ago for myself since I wasn't happy with how Solas and Anna reconciled after their little fight in the Hinterlands... and I wasn't going to post it because ANGST, but I figured since I wrote it all, I might as well put it out there in case anyone was interested. So here ya go :P

Her silhouette was dark against the fire blazing before her. It was late, and quiet in Skyhold as most of its inhabitants had long since retreated to their quarters. He had tried to sleep as well, but the thought of his da’len still angry with him—and blatantly ignoring his presence, he noted—kept him up at night to the point of frustration. He had to make amends with her. This had gone on long enough.

Solas took his steps slowly, quietly. He didn’t want his approach to startle her.

“It’s you, isn’t it?” she asked without turning around. She sat on a bench near the edge of a courtyard, her back hunched and small, and it gave him the desire to touch her—place his hand upon her back and comfort her in some way. But he knew she would not allow it. Not anymore.

“Yes,” he answered. His voice was low and resigned. He stepped a little closer, and his feet crunched against some dead leaves on the grassy floor.

“I don’t want to talk to you,” she said.

“Will you listen?” he requested, although it was more like a plea. When she said nothing, he continued. “I... understand that my distancing hurt you, but that was not my intention.” Anna was so sensitive, his da’len. He had thought she would not have even noticed if he spent a little less time talking to her, a little less time in her presence. She was always so independent and convivial, so her reaction to his lessened conversations had truly shocked him.

He supposed that it should not had been _that_ much of a surprise. He knew his da’len loved him, and, for some unfathomable reason, enjoyed his company. But she had always been free with her feelings, never hiding her emotions like he did. She would make it known when she felt happy to see someone, brightly smiling and greeting the person cheerfully.

And she had acted this way when welcoming him. In fact, from the moment they met she had treated him as such, and had always faithfully continued this warm behavior—until recently, that is. Perhaps he had taken it for granted in thinking she would still act as pleasant, even if he became colder.

Solas felt guilty as he studied her tired form, still facing away from him. Why should he expect forgiveness when he had done nothing to deserve it?

Although... why was he asking for her forgiveness in the first place? His relationship with Anna had grown troublesome, with worrying feelings seemingly developing stronger as each day passed. He would not continue to deceive himself by ignoring his affections towards her. No, he knew this. He knew that he loved her. But it was the nature of this love that disturbed him.

Not that it was difficult or even surprising to love her—no, it was rather expected. She was kind, generous and intelligent. She understood him better than anyone else in this age, and this was undeniable, but his deepening feelings were beyond that of a friendship. His fondness was ardent and passionate, and... he felt like he needed her. This was what worried him the most.

Anna sighed, and the sound stirred him from his thoughts. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't be acting like this, really. It's stupid and immature,” she said, and her voice was tired and indifferent. She turned to him then, finally meeting his gaze, and her eyes looked so lonely, an intense emotion he recognized from his own reflection.

“Da’len,” he whispered, but the endearment was so quiet it fell on deaf ears.

Anna took a deep breath and turned back to the fire. He only stood there a moment before taking a seat beside her.

She turned to look at him, giving the weakest smile he had ever seen grace her lips. “So... are we okay? Everything good?” she asked. 

“If you feel it is, then yes.”

She looked away, nodding slowly and casting her eyes towards the fire. It crackled softly, illuminating her features in soft, flickering light.

As he watched Anna sit there, looking so broken and abandoned, the longing to touch her became overwhelming. Even something as simple as a hand upon her arm would suffice. He wanted to reach for her, to calm her, comfort her. But he remained still. It would be inappropriate.

Their entire relationship was inappropriate. How could he be so selfish to continue their friendship, when he knew it would only end tragically? It was better to let her go now, slowly ease her into the indefinite separation that his death would bring. She would grow numb to him, her affections would wane, and eventually forget him, or at least what they had. Whatever that was.

But if he did this, if he truly let her go and ceased all communication and interactions with her, then he would no longer see her smile—at least not directed towards him. She would not laugh with him, ask him her questions, nor even talk to him about her adventures, her memories. She would not be his da’len.

The thought brought him a pain far too great. It had been difficult enough to endure these last few days of her pointed silence. When had he become so attached?

He longed for her voice, her presence, her conversation. He wanted to hear all she had to say, and watch as she reacted to his responses. He wanted her touch, as she sometimes did, a casual brush upon his back, or even the hard slap of her hand on his arm when he teased her. He wanted it all.

Solas looked at her hands then. They were playing with a loose thread of her tunic, twisting it among her fingers. He had held those hands before, laced his fingers with hers and felt the smoothness of her skin. He wanted to do it again, right here and now.

But no. He could not. It was wrong, and unacceptable. No matter what he felt about her—how much he loved her and longed for her happiness—he would not betray himself, not betray her.

Somewhere in his mind, he wondered precisely _why_ she had reacted so strongly to his coldness. He had thought she would not have noticed at all, and yet... here she was, acting as if the whole world had abandoned her. Did he truly mean that much to her?

Or was it selfish of him to think this, to assume that all of her world would revolve around him, so much so that his silence would drive her to despair? A small part of himself gladdened from the idea of her feeling so strongly about him, but he instantly admonished himself for it and pushed the feeling away. No, there must be some other cause for her unhappiness. There had to be. And perhaps to reconcile his actions, he could advise or comfort her on these problems in some small way.

“What is troubling you, da’len?” he asked in a low, gentle tone. He wanted to sound approachable, and he wanted her to feel safe, like she once had.

“I rather not talk about it,” she said with another sigh. Her eyes were trained on that little thread, twisting and turning it around her finger until the digit practically turned blue.

She did not want to talk about it. With him, he added bitterly. It hurt him more than it should to hear her say this, but how could he have ever expected more? She had given him so much already. Perhaps it was best to make his own deductions on what was bothering her.

He tried to think of what would upset his da’len, the types of things she would wish for and sadden from if declined. But as he thought of her, his mind wandered to the recent memories of their excursion to the Hinterlands, the dreams they shared together in that tent...

No. He had to stop. He should not think about the way she looked that morning, so happy to find him lying there beside her, holding his hand and watching him silently. He should not think about how beautiful she looked, the way her smile changed her entire face... no, the entire _room_ , and the little gasp that escaped her as he raised a hand to her head, combing his fingers through her soft hair.

Had she always been this beautiful? He examined her profile in the firelight, eyes slowly tracing over her features. He could not recall seeing anything remarkable when he first saw her in that dream so many months ago, but _now_ —now it was different. It was like her beauty were the most obvious truth in the world, screaming at him with every bat of her eyelids.

When she looked at him in that tent, only a few nights ago, he saw nothing but her. She was radiant, and the way she looked at him was equally as enchanting. The tenderness in her gaze, the affection and fondness it carried—that was gone now. He had lost that. Yes, he had lost it, lost her, and possibly, probably forever.

But this was fair, this was fine. This had been his plan, hadn’t it? It would be easier in the long run. And yet—

The thought of spending his days without her felt impossible, unimaginable. How could he carry on normally if he knew she were right there, somewhere in Skyhold, so close and well? His thoughts were consumed by Anna in her absence. He thought of little else, and to carry on like this, like _strangers_... No. It was too much. Being without her was too much of a distraction. It was simply too difficult to concentrate unless he knew she was happy in some way, happy with him. He had to mend what was broken.

“Let me help you, da’len. Tell me what troubles you, and perhaps I could be of some assistance,” he suggested, but the offer sounded weak and restrained, like he was trying, but not actually giving. It was not what he wanted to say at all.

He wanted to tell her everything. He wanted to tell her he loved her and didn’t want to be without her. She brought him more happiness than he had ever thought possible, and never had he connected with someone the way he had with her.

And quite frankly, he never even thought such a feeling _could_ exist, and it frightened him, but excited him as well, even though he knew it should not.

“I saw you,” she finally said. “I saw you and Lavellan.”

The Inquisitor? It surprised him to hear her mentioned. _She_ had been far from his mind, and it took a few moments to actually consider why Anna would care.

A few nights prior he _had_ spoken to the Inquisitor, explaining his reasoning for leaving her. She was acting reckless, and he could not help but blame himself for it. They parted on good terms, and Solas truly believed that she could now move on from him.

But what did this have to do with his da’len? What had she seen?

“What do you mean, da’len? What have you seen?” he asked aloud, keeping his tone as even as possible and trying to calm the alarmed intrigue that had risen in his mind.

She laughed, but it was an empty, bitter sound. “You're finally back together. You two can now be happy...” Her voice became quiet, and she looked completely away from him so he saw nothing but the back of her head.

Together? That was what Anna believed? But why would she think this, and why bring it up now? It had nothing to do with their prior conversation, unless she was simply trying to change the subject.

Unless... This had everything to do with the previous talk, and _this_ was the real reason she was so upset. Apart from his distancing, had his reconciliation with the Inquisitor brought her the real pain?

He nearly laughed at the absurdity of it all. Surely, Anna knew how far their relationship had now eclipsed his with Lavellan. It wasn't even fair to compare them.

Anna knew everything about him... Didn't she? Or was she completely unaware of his feelings for her?

“Anna, what do you mean?” he repeated. “What exactly did you see?”

“I saw the two of you talking, and... hugging, so you don't have to hide it. You're together, and that's great. Good for you.”

“We are not together, da’len. Only friends and colleagues,” he argued.

“Right,” she remarked sarcastically. “ ‘Friends’.”

“Anna,” he said, lightly touching her arm, for he could no longer contain himself from touching her in some way. “We are not together. We have not reunited, at least in the way you believe,” he explained.

She froze from his touch, he could tell instantly. She straightened her posture immediately and leaned away from him. It hurt to see her respond to him this way, but he ignored the feeling as he urged, “Please believe me, da’len.”

“You're really not together?” she asked quietly, and there was something in her voice... Something like... relief?

“We are not,” he affirmed. “And we shall never be again.” The statement would have made him sad at one time, but now... He knew it was truly better for the both of them to be separated. His time with her had felt like a lifetime ago, before Anna had arrived and changed so much.

Anna still would not meet his gaze. “Oh,” she said.

He had to chuckle then. “Does this surprise you, da’len?”

“I don't know...” she said shyly. “Yes... I guess?”

Solas hummed. “Perhaps I have not been clear enough in my intentions, Anna, but I have no plans to reunite with the Inquisitor,” he explained.

“You don't?”

“No,” he answered with another chuckle. “And I have no desire to.” He placed his arm around Anna now, he couldn't help it. It felt instinctual, natural. But he felt the tension in her muscles yet again from the action.

“But... why? What did you guys talk about, then?” she asked. Every moment that passed brought her more at ease, and she slowly relaxed her body into the comfort of his familiar presence.

“We discussed my reasons for leaving, and the importance of her safety,” Solas said, gazing into the flickering fire before them. She was warm beside him, and he felt acutely aware of how close she was... the way her thigh pressed against his and the small weight of her head against his shoulder. It was pleasant, this closeness, and a part of him longed for more, but ignored it.

“Her _safety_?” She sounded somewhat skeptical.

“She nearly died in the Emprise du Lion, da’len.”

“I guess,” she remarked absently. This was another peculiar thing about Anna. She never seemed to react as strongly to death and injury as he would have assumed. Had she seen much war before? It hardly seemed likely, but he knew so little about her past, not like the way she knew so much of his.

“Da’len,” he said, voice gentle, “tell me what truly bothers you.”

She laughed then, loudly, but hardly with mirth. “What bothers me? Are you really that oblivious, hahren?”

“Oblivious?” he asked, feeling slightly embarrassed from the accusation. In truth, conclusions were already forming in his mind, but he refused to acknowledge them. No... he would hear it from her.

She laughed again. “You really don't know?” She sounded almost amused.

Did he? A single thought captured his mind then, one that he hated to think, loathed to accept that such a thought would cross him. She was jealous, and all former anxiety was simply a result of her misconception about his relationship with the Inquisitor.

“Explain it to me,” he suggested, as he would not voice his true thoughts and reasoning when they condemned him too harshly.

She sighed. “No...” she stated. “It’s really not important.”

“It is to me,” he declared, bringing his fingers to her chin. He gently turned her face with his hand, drawing her gaze to his.

Their eyes met then, and he heard her breath hitch, with his not long afterwards. It felt intense, like a moment suspended in time. She drew slightly closer to him as their gazes connected, and a feeling overcame him. A feeling of longing, of loss, of desire and intrigue.

“I love you,” she said softly, right then, right there.

He knew that she loved him. She had told him this some time ago, and to hear it again still surprised him. It warmed his body, a feeling that started in his heart and spread to the tips of his fingers. She loved him. The statement still felt foreign to his ears, unbelievable or unimaginable in a way. He did not deserve it.

“Yes,” he replied, quite awkwardly, his voice sounding rough. She loved him. Despite all the wrongs he had done upon the world, upon her... She loved him.

And he loved her too. Loved her everything, her every movement, every word, every thought. She was perfect in his eyes.

Although, of course not actually perfect, but he could hardly imagine changing any bit of her character. Even when she was stubborn or obstinate... Could he really want anything else? Any alteration would not be his Anna.

She was breathing quite deeply now, he noticed, and also leaning into him. It pleased Solas, nearly indecently, and he wanted to feel more... He wanted to touch her in ways that he should not have wanted, he wanted to feel her skin upon his...

She chuckled lightly. “Yes?” she asked, raising a brow. “That’s _all_ you have to say?”

Solas hummed. She wanted an answer. She wanted to hear such words repeated from his own lips. And he would be happy to impart such a sentiment to her, if it wasn't for the consequences... The implications and promises that arose from such words being stated.

When a time had passed, and he still said nothing, still gazing into her captivating eyes, she sighed and stood, breaking all contact they had. “You know what? Whatever. I'm not gonna deal with this.”

Her words felt nearly as empty as the loss of her warmth. “Da’len, wait!” he exclaimed, catching hold of her sleeve. “Please, stay,” he requested.

“Why?” she asked, and the question caught him completely off-guard. “What would be the point? What would it achieve?”

He thought for a brief moment. “I want you to stay,” he contended, and he knew it was a weak argument, nearly as weak as he now felt in his heart from her cold stare.

“What for?” she said with a roll of her eyes, and he knew he was losing her, he knew she was turning away and it would never be right between them, no matter how much he wanted it to be, unless he did something now, no matter how wrong it was.

He stood then, looking down to meet her gaze. “Do you truly despise me this much, da’len? You cannot even stand to remain a few moments beside me?” he demanded, and he knew it was unfair, uncalled for, and certainly unneeded. But he felt suddenly desperate, desperate to keep her selfishly at his side.

“Of course not!” she argued. “But how can you expect me to just sit here awkwardly, pretending like we're just friends, like there’s seriously nothing between us?!” she challenged heatedly.

He found himself breathing just as heavily as Anna was from her words. How could he respond? There was nothing he could say to deny her obvious truths.

He let go of her, dropping his hands cowardly to his sides.

She studied him then, slowly unfurling her brow and relaxing her frown. “Don’t look at me like that,” she chided, taking a step towards him and raising a finger. “Don’t give me that sad, puppy-eyed look!” she exclaimed. “It’s not like I want this either.” She sighed, walking even closer until she was only a step away. “And if it makes you so sad, then why are you doing it?” she asked softly. Anna raised her hand to his cheek, gently cupping his face with her palm.

The touch surprised him, but it was wonderful and he couldn’t deny how much he had desired it. He closed his eyes, leaning into the warmth of her hand. This was a mistake, which he knew, but he could not bring himself to stop. Life felt so empty without her, and how could he be foolish enough to believe he could leave her? He needed her.

He felt her body press against his then, and his heart quickened at the feeling. She was very close, and nothing could make him want her to leave. He didn’t want her to go, he didn’t want to open his eyes and face reality. Just a moment longer...

She kissed him. And Solas felt her lips and became completely lost in them. They were soft and warm, and surprisingly patient, keeping still and respectful. As she pulled away, he opened his eyes, and he was taken aback by the fresh tears that streaked her face. She bowed her head, pressing her forehead to his chest. “I can’t keep doing this,” she whispered. “It’s too hard to stay away.”

“I know,” he soothed as he drew her closer into the embrace of his arms. “And I do love you, Anna, and this will never be otherwise.” He gently kissed her hair. “You have changed my life.” He lifted her face in his palms and pressed his lips to her cheeks, kissing away every tear that had fallen on them.

“Ar lath ma,” he said again, but this time in his tongue, as the words never felt the same in any other language. She stopped her crying, and he only barely pulled away to look into her eyes. He would regret this. This was a mistake. It would make everything harder, and he shouldn’t give in. But this voice of reason was infinitely smaller than the rest of him which screamed otherwise. She felt so right in his arms, like an extension of his own body.

He drew her close to him and kissed her, kissed her with every bit of love and passion she deserved. And everything felt precisely perfect in this moment, like his world had finally shifted into its proper place. He belonged with her, and this revelation both fascinated and overjoyed him, even with the looming danger of his imminent death. But now that he had taken the leap, crossed his careful boundaries and confessed his love, he knew there was no going back. Anna was his vhenan, his heart and his home, and he would love and care for her as long as he was able.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sure these Solas/Anna first kiss oneshots will end sometime... but whooooo knows, ahahaha (not me, that's for sure).


End file.
